Saturday, May 29, 2010
My physical problems have got worse. I knew they had telling myself this was just a flare. Flares don't last this long. Now I get pain when swimming whereas before swimming was the one thing I could do pain free. It won't stop me swimming but it does mean I can only manage 3 times a week and I will have to drug up more. The pain cause worse fatigue hence the not managing my mile a day any more. Oh, pig's bum!
I have been machine knitting (no Sarah I have not forgotten). I have also developed my toe up sock pattern some more and I am very pleased with it.
The puppies are doing very well. Today I shall offer them some milk/Royal Canin gruel. I want them on solids asap.
I use my laptop for blogging and emails now. I use the iMac for everything else, mainly photography. I love the machine. Far superior to a PC. It si completely silent. No hang ups, no having to restart. I wish I had got one years ago. I had thought to replace my laptop with an iMac laptop but cannot justify the expense for just email and blogging.
Friday, May 28, 2010
(Attributed to Martin Rochlin, PhD, January 1977)
1. What do you think has caused you to be heterosexual?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?
4. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?
5. Isn't it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
6. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
9. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex? Why are they so promiscuous?
10. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?
11. If you were to have children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they'd face?
12. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?
13. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
14. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
15. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusively heterosexual lifestyle, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your homosexual potential?
16. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?
17. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the menace of overpopulation?
19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that could help you change if you really wanted to. Have you considered trying psychotherapy or even aversion therapy?
21. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counsellor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own preferences?
22. How can you enjoy a full, satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the differences are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman, or vice-versa?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Despite all that I have written here, no matter how I try and use words to convey my experience, I know that understanding the agony I have lived through is just not possible for anyone un less they too have not just lived it but healed through it. It is only through that healing through does the full force of the pain get experienced.
It then goes away, mostly. All one is left with are idiosyncrasies, a wariness, and physical reactions and sometimes emotional ones that one cannot control. However, one is free of the all encompassing pain that strangles life and leaves one in a dark place such that it feels impossible to ever escape from. I don’t believe in Hell, I know it it exists. I lived there for most of my life. I would die before I went back to that state. I’d rather not have a life than have that.
As a result, I am so grateful for the life I have now. really. This is far far far better than I ever dreamed it would be. I could not have dreamed of this as I didn’t know this could be so it wasn’t within my dreaming.
I don’t express how I feel about my physical problems. Let me say first off that this is far easier to deal with than the emotional agony. By far. BUT it would not be true to say I don’t sometimes feel angry about it. How could I have gone through all that, worked so hard to recover only to land up with a knackered and pain filled body? It pisses me off big time.
Not only do I feel it is self pitying to share it but to let the thoughts come to the fore would mean that I am allowing myself to think beyond now. I can’t afford to do that. The prognosis is pretty crap. How crap I don’t know. It is likely that the drugs alone will shorten my life by a lot.
Knowing that current research shows that my heart disease, bone disease, muscle disease and neurological problems are all the likely result of years of stress and abuse doesn't make me feel better disposed to my lot!
I also feel a duty to be positive and show others how one can win, how one doesn't have to live life as a victim of those wicked abusers. One CAN come to live really well and be free of them. That abuse does not mean the end nor does it mean that we, the abused, were deserving of it, worthy of being abused.
So I keep quiet about my body and the pain it is. It seems weak and ungrateful. I so wanted recovery and I got it. I guess I forgot to ask that my body be okay too.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Monday, May 24, 2010
I have often thought that having no sexual feeling at all would be a blessing. Sex has always been a huge issue for me.
It was made a huge issue by parents who believed it wrong and dirty, nuns and priests who taught the same, and of course the sexual abuse I experienced didn’t help.
In Religious Education I was taught that good truly good people didn’t have sex. They were celibate. That is what God preferred. Falling short of that, then one could only have sex with a person one was married to, of the opposite sex of course, and then only in order to have children NOT to be enjoyed or had just for fun.
Masturbation was of course a mortal sin and in the case of men was akin to murder. Women didn’t masturbate of course. And they only menstruated if they had unclean thoughts because pure women did not menstruate. I kid you not.
So even before I reached puberty and experienced my own sexual feelings, I felt a heavy burden of guilt. I knew I was dirty and bad because of the sexual abuse I was experiencing and given my teaching about sex, I felt responsible. I did not feel I had no choice in the abuse. I felt I was the guilty party, I was the one who was indulging in wickedness. The one time I tried to tell, that is exactly the response I was given. Punishment and disgust. I didn’t tell again until I was much older, an adult, and I made the mistake of telling the local vicar and his wife who reacted the same way. They prayed for me to be forgiven.
I once in the depths of despair came very close to cutting my penis off. In that disturbed mental state I was in, I thought that this would accomplish two things: punishment and removal of sexual desire. I don’t know what stopped me, but I am glad I didn’t follow through.
The issue is sex. Not gay sex. Not straight sex. SEX. Had I been heterosexual, I’d have just the same issues. In fact worse, because children might well be in the picture and there is no way I could healthily parent children.
I feel positive about feelings of passion and love. Like those I have for John. I have never felt aht was wrong. It’s me. That’s the trouble with these idiots who think we CHOOSE sexuality. How daft can you can you get. Even dafter is the idea that it is about only sex. Dishonestly, people often give as their excuse for hating us that their religion prohibits us. That is not true. If they did not have this bigotry IN them, they would not accept their religious teaching on this. They seem to have no trouble in rejecting dress codes, food codes and the idea that women are subservient to men. To blame one’s bigotry upon a religious idea is disingenuous. There is no logic at all to thinking something wrong with homosexuality.
The trouble we have in society around sex is precisely because of the way we have debased it. Not through our sexual behaviour but through our teaching of sex as something wrong. When in fact it is a normal human impulse and not just for perpetuating human kind but also as a means of fulfilling deep spiritual and emotional needs.
There is no conclusion here. I am not about to write how I recovered from all this. I still would prefer to have no sexual desires at all. I still find it impossible to view sex, male female, male male, female female as okay. Intellectually I understand this is illogical and that sex IS okay. Some damage just takes a long time to be undone or just can’t be.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
My first completed machine knit sweater in an age. This is made in 100% Mongolian Cashmere 2 x 2/28 weight (1400m /100g, so 700m / 100g when doubled) and it weighs 414 gm. The tension was 4* on the Silver Reed 830, 40st/61r to 10cm. My own design using a calculator for increases and decreases. Sleeve and side seams.
I’ve written here before how I think I ma lucky to not have been infected with Patriotism. Firstly because I lived in so many different countries growing up and secondly for most of my adult life have not been considered equal to my fellows by the government of the UK. Pretty hard to feel allegiance or pride in one’s country in those circumstances.
I thought something else about this tonight. I know someone who is so Patriotic they do a disservice to themselves and their intelligence. Their country cannot be criticised by anyone and if you are a citizen and you do, then you are wicked or a Democrat! Not only must you consider your country the best, you must only think one way politically. Anything else is Anti American. (and a sure sing of stupidity or that you are a RED!)This is not a dumb arse redneck but an upper middle class professional! We have them here too.
The danger in this is that if you refuse to see the problems you won’t try to fix them. What can be more unpatriotic than allowing your country to fail it’s citizen by refusing to see it’s shortcomings? What can be more unpatriotic than allowing your fellow citizens suffer due to lack of health care? Or thru poverty caused by the financial system which you refuse to see anything wrong with?
I can see why Patriotism is forced upon children from an early age, why the schools are forcing it upon children. What that Jesuit said is true-give the child till he is seven and I will give you the man. In other words, you can teach children ANYTHING when young and also teach them they are bad to question it and if you do you get what want-adults who view the world the wauy you want them to instead of healthy adults who can think for themselves.
There is nothing wrong with loving your country or feeling pride in it. There is everything wrong with that if it prevents you seeing your country.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Me. Yes that’s right. I was accused of this today by a person whose own homophobia she is not conscious of.
I had said, quite factually, that in my experience on knitting lists, whilst some may want experienced and opinionated knitters to respond, a female voice is much more readily heard than mine. I know this because I have been on the receiving end of some really vicious attacks for writing when a female has not. Some of these attacks have brought up my sexuality.
The misogynist label pinned on me is ridiculous. Other than John and a couple of other males, ALL my close friends are now and always have been female. I prefer female company.
Never mind that. Misogyny is a label often hurled at gay men by homophobes who wrongly assume that because we don’t want to sleep with them, we must hate women!
The list is question is usually quiet and friendly. Once or twice I have had nasty comments made about my knitting skills which I chose to ignore. Right now the venom being directed my way is because I have advertised my sock dyeing hobby on the list. I have done so for months. Suddenly a couple of vipers decided to swipe at me. The fact they are so clearly fuelled by whatever resentment toward me they have seems to pass them by! It has nothing to do with the ads and everything to do with their dislike of me. In itself so stupid as they don’t know me! It is their prejudging of me that leads to their bile toward me but of course they won’t see that. Why am I so sure of this? Partly because of the lies in their emails sent to defend their attack upon me. Daily adverts, daily giving of opinions, frequent misogynist statements. When a person resorts to such lies, you know their agenda is not the ads! This is a quiet list where I post infrequently and where traffic is very low.
You know I ought to have come here straight away and written this instead of rising to the bait as I did.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The only way to deal with any long term problem, like living, is to only deal with the short term!
All we have is now. How often have we heard that? Usually from some esoteric sounding fart with a soporific smile explaining why they are so much more advanced than the rest of us.
However, they are dead right! It just isn’t a great mystery nor is it the path to Ultimate Peace. It is just the only way to deal with life.
I recall only too well when I lived my life in fear. Much of it the result of abuse. Much also because of projection. Fear of tomorrow. I remember in my late teens, when it became clear I would never be well enough to work, I would lay in bed paralysed with fear about what my life would be like at the age I am now! My life today is not at all like I feared it would be.
The concept of living one day at time came into my consciousness around about the same time as my fear was out of control. I didn’t understand it. I started though with little steps. I used to get anxious waiting for a bus. I learned to just relax and wait coming to realise that no matter how I felt, the bus would not get arrive any sooner!
Over the years, the concept grew and took over my thinking and as it did so, reduced fear and stress.
There is a balance to be found. one does have to plan That is different to projection. For example, we have booked a trip to show abroad in 6 months time. All booked and paid for. I now don’t think about it. I don't think about the possible pitfalls, what can go wrong, how I will be then. I have booked and now will forget until the time comes.
Self knowledge is important. It forms the basis of successful living. Without it one can all too easily act in ways detrimental to ourselves and others.
Years ago, when it first became apparent I had physical problems, I dealt with it more or less by ignoring it and by living a day a time and believing that this too shall pass. Now this was a misuse of the concept! As a result of it, I did not get help. (it is more complicated than that but the complications are not important here.)
Finally, I was brought to my knees, literally, on a trip to Stockholm. I found I was in great pain and barely able to move. I was diagnosed soon after and have used walking sticks and wheelchair ever since.
I deal with this disease in small chunks. I DO NOT think about where my disease could be headed. I know where it can lead but it is not set ins tone. It takes different routes in different people. I could end up not being able to walk at all. I could stay more or less as I am. There is NO point in thinking about it. However, I don’t ignore it to the extent that I don’t take care of myself and taking care of myself, eating right, swimming, is dealing with tomorrow as best as I can but mentally and emotionally I deal only with now, today.
Even thinking about a whole day can be too much. Taking it in small chunks reduces fear, stress and hopelessness. If I feel terrible when waking, I don’t turn over and go back to sleep. Okay so that is not a very good option for me as it would cause more pain. However, I do not let the thoughts about how I am going to manage take hold. I take one step at a time. I deal with the dogs first. Always. Then I take my meds. Whatever I do next, I only think about that and lunch time. I will then go back to bed. So all I had to deal with and think about was those few hours. After waking, my days starts off again.
What about bathing a dog? If I think about the 2 hours it will take, the discomfort and pain, I will put it off. I don’t. I keep those thoughts OUT of my head and if they are there I ignore them. Often I am starting to prepare things for a dog bath whilst I am thinking about how I don’t want to do it. By the time the dog is wet, I HAVE TO CONTINUE! I find that once I am in to it, I am okay. Only once have I been incapable of finishing a dog. Fortunately, she was all but legs done.
What death? Losing a loved one? Both of these things will happen. The first will happen to all of us and we know not when or how so we must do our best to not think of it. We must take reasonable steps to protect loved ones etc when we pop our clogs, so wills and finances etc need to be sorted. Other than that, put it out of your mind.
What about your loved one? The thought of John being ill and dyeing is a horror to me. I couldn't bear him to suffer nor can I bear the thought of him not being here. This is another fear that one must not dwell upon. Who knows what will happen? I may go first.
No one is 100% perfect at living in the now. However, to try and do so is only of benefit to us. We get better at it as time goes on. Slowly but surely our thinking will change.
THERE IS NO SITUATION TAHT CANNOT BE MADE BETTER BY A CHANGE IN OUR ATTITUDE. EEVN CERTAIN APPROACHING DEATH CAN BE ROBBED OF IT’S POWER TO TERRIFY BY A CHANGE IN BELIEF.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Took John to the hospital this morning. The consultant, who last time said his GP was wrong, now agrees with his diagnosis and John has got COPD. Yes, well we knew that! It is mild and with the continuing treatment and him doing as he is told, there is no reason for him to get worse.
The puppies are doing well and have gained almost 54g/2 ozs in the last two days. I am still bottle feeding them and they greedily take it. Only every 4 hours so Mum has some too. I have been keeping occupied between feeds by watching House series 5 and also dyeing some 80% sw Merino 20% Bamboo sock yarn (400m/100g)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
These were knitted using 75% sw merino and 25% nylon. It is one of the first times I used Landscape dyes and the dye did not dissolve fully, leaving those dark brown ‘burnt’ spots one the yarn. I therefore decided the yarn was not fit for sale and I made socks for myself.
I used ADDI lace 2mm needles, one for each sock. I knitted them simultaneously. I used the Andersson Toe Up Construction Method and utilized the Andersson Heel Mach II. I used Judy’s Magic Cast on for the toes and I used Jenny’s Surprisingly Stretchy Cast Off.
Friday, May 14, 2010
I went swimming this morning. It was luverly! It hurt a lot but being in water is just so good for me. I enjoy it very much. It only hurt because I haven’t done for a week and I have been stressed and active this week. It still feels so much better than being on land.
The four puppies and Shameless are doing really well now. The puppies have gained weight and Shameless is settled and happy now.
To answer Yarnhog: no it isn’t a regular occurrence to lose puppies. Most litters are without incident. At least for me.
I still have many photographs of Edinburgh to post.
My yarn dyeing has really been quite successful. I am happy about that as I really enjoy doing it.
I have a good break from the shows now until Bank Holiday Monday (May 31st).
WTF? Teresa May has been appointed Equality Minister. She who voted against the repeal of Section 28, the equalising of the age of consent, against gays adopting, against lesbians having fertility treatment, against transgendered people having their official sex changed. Isn’t this a bit like having Nick Griffin in charge of Race Relations?(Nick Griffin is head of the British National Party-they have views one could say were Nazi.)
Oh and David Cameron’s voting record is very similar. I do not trust Tories. Their ‘standing for equality’ isn’t really believed, they just know the electorate will no longer stand for such crap.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I was concerned with the amount of puppies had and the size of them. None settled until today. They only settled after three of them died and I think a fourth will die too. However, the four I think will make it are normal puppies, have grown and look right. The 5th I am not so sure of, I am pretty certain he too will expire.
This is one of the pitfalls of having puppies. Six years ago I lost a whole litter of six over a 23 day period. It was the worst dog experience I have had.
My dyeing has been going well. I did a commission dye for someone and they are very happy with it. Phew!
As a result I sold three hanks and have another commission for 4 hanks.
I won’t be doing much for the next little while. I have to see these puppies through and in the next day or so I ought to know what will be for those remaining.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Shameless gave birth to eight puppies, four of each sex, between 6.30am and 830am. I am knackered, she is non-plussed and wants to go for a walk. I told her she has as much chance of going for a walk as I have of having Daniel Craig for pudding…
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 09, 2010
It is clear to me that human beings are mostly ignorant of the fact that all we believe has an effect. What we do also does but it starts with what we believe. It also seems that many of us really believe that what we believe and do is of no consequence either to ourselves or others.
This may seem, on the surface, to be a fatuous example – until one examines it.
I am speaking of the advertisements aimed at women for hair or make up products with the by line ’because you’re worth it’. These adverts are based on lies, and the participants know this. The actresses who are part of this con KNOW that they do not look like that in real life! They KNOW that any woman who buys the product will not look like they do at all. They have no chance to because only computers make a person look like these actresses do.
They make money out of lying to the public. They make money out of helping to make women feel badly about themselves. They make money out of presenting a false image as real.
Clearly they do not see the immorality of what they are doing nor do they see the harm they are doing. They do not see that they are contributing to the atmosphere that encourages women to hate themselves. Self hate leads to terrible pain for the self hater and for others they affect.
Truly nothing we do or believe is without effect.
If we are think of people who are different from us as being wroth less from us, it has an effect and this effect is for ill, not for good. The Holocaust is a glaring example of the effects belief can have. The reason we hate Hitler is because we cannot accept that people like you and I actually did the evil work. Hitler just spoke. Ordinary people did the killing.
If you are one who considers yourself not racist but still would prefer your neighbourhood to be all white, you are responsible when a person of colour is beaten up or killed but because YOUR belief helped to create the atmosphere that allows such evil.
It is not a moral defence to hide behind ‘religious belief’ to justify the condemnation of gay people. Thos who hold such a belief are as responsible for the death of gay people as if they did the act themselves. By holding such beliefs YOU create the atmosphere that allowed Matthew Shepherd to be murdered. YOU created the atmosphere that allowed an effete 10 year old boy to be bullied to the point he hanged himself. Hiding behind Christ does NOT absolve you. Lying to yourself does not make it so. And there is no escaping the consequences of YOUR belief and action.
Life is, to a very large extent, the result of what WE believe. We act according to what we believe. Much of what we believe we are not even aware of!
The exhortation to KNOW THYSELF is of the utmost importance. Without self knowledge we cause untold suffering to ourselves and to others.
Juts think of the power within YOU! The world can change and will change if only you believe it so. I am NOT talking about Magical Thinking here, the ludicrous belief that we can alter the world by wishing or imagining! No I am talking about the fundamental beliefs we hold inside us that hold us back and cause harm to ourselves and to others.
No amount of belief will prevent people getting sick and dying. It will not prevent tsumanis, earthquakes, flood, famine or plague. Belief WILL alter how we experience LIFE. It will mean the difference between an enjoyable experience and a terrible one.
The only reason my life went from darkness to light was because I changed my belief system. It wasn't easy. It was extremely painful and I nearly lost my life and mind in the process but I DID come out the other side in to light.
My major work was undoing the damage done to me by religion and it’s crippling belief system. This combined with abuse gave me a belief system that could only result in evil. There was no chance it could result in anything else. Undoing the damage of religion is probably the most painful and difficult and frightening thing to embark upon for at the very root of such thinking is that to question your religious teaching is evil in and of itself! Oh what a clever, manipulative and evil thing to do. This is WHY religionists cling to the right to indoctrinate children because they KNOW that most of us will never take the journey I did to break their evil hold upon my spirit and mind and body.
Are YOU prepared to be responsible for you beliefs?
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
I have nothing that needs doing. I have posted the Knitman’s Kitchen yarns I have sold. I have bathed Whitney ready for the show tomorrow (Birmingham National). I can now just knit and watch DVD’s or whatever I please. Very satisfying to have the necessities out of the way.
I went for my first swim in a week this morning. It hurt! Not doing it at least 3 times a week makes a big difference. I doubt I shall get there on Friday, after the show, and from the weekend onwards, Shameless is due to whelp. I normally swim Monday, Wednesday and Friday and I think I shall get to the pool Wednesday and Friday as I think the whelping will have taken place before then.
I have my clothes ready for the show. My drugs, my knitting, my camera, my food. The car is packed with my stuff and at 4am I meet Angie in the Tesco car park and her stuff and dogs are loaded into my car. We then drive back to my house, Angie parks her car in my drive and then we are off. When I drive with Angie, I have two sat-nav systems. My Garmin and Angie. Yes, despite the Garmin, Angie has to direct me too. There is no telling her.
John’s blood test results came back and his glucose was border line so he has to drink some gunk and have another test 2 hours later.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
I am pleased with this. I used a 1x1 to increase for the gusset. I like the way it fits very much. I did my usual Andersson Toe Up Method with the Andersson heel Mach II. I used an Addi Lace 2mm circular needle, two, and knitted both socks simultaneously on their own needle.
These were knitted using Knitman’s Kitchen hand dyed yarn. The yarn, now all gone, is 60% sw wool, 20% silk and 20% bamboo.